DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
