so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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