I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize