I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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