Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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