i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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