Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I won the penis lottery.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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