so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
