The best revenge is premature balding
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
