Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize