my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
