and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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