Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
