I got chris browned last night
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
And then he peed in my hair
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