Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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