the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
