Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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