Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When did angry sex become our thing?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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