Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
