I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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