She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
