What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it hurts more in the daytime
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
