We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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