The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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