four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
