I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
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