she woke up with a sticky ear
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize