This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
