So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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