i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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