Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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