I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
