Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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