eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
