They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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