Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
