She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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