She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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