dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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