Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
