I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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