I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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