Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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