Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
