: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
