Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize