She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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