so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
