need another drink. this is the easiest way
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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