the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
