He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
