I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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