Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
