I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The air was thick with penises
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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