New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
