I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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