I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
