Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
