Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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