I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He? As in you personified your dick?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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