Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
