Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
