He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
