my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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